A Never Before Felt Feeling…

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I know that there is no such thing as normal, and my life as a mom has been anything but normal, so today when I found myself having these strange feeling of being flawed… no not that… cheated is maybe the more relevant word. I read this post on one of my groups this morning Yup, I’m that mom that has mom groups to help keep my sanity about how this ladies best friend just had her first baby by emergency c-section and what should she do for her because she knows that this is a whole different thing than a “normal” delivery. Another mom answered to walk her dog because she was miserable for the next 2-3 weeks. Here is where my strange feelings started. I had an emergency c-section with my youngest child, he was then diagnosed with a congenital heart defect and scheduled to be whisked away to a different hospital. Once I was out of recovery and in my room the nurse took pity on me and got me out of bed to take me to the NICU to see my baby boy who wasn’t even officially named yet, she tells me that in a normal case they don’t let c-sections get out of bed for at least 8 hours, I was at 2 hours post-op, but she wanted me to have a chance to see him before they took him off to Children’s. We didn’t even have a full diagnoses yet on what was wrong with him but we knew he had to go to Children’s. Once I left the hospital, with lots of promises to take care of myself and not push things, we met with the surgeon and planned the next day for our sons surgery. I spent the next two weeks at the hospital 16 hours a day… did I just not have time to feel miserable? Am I crazy for wanting my 2-3 miserable weeks? Neither of my children were “normal” in their birth experiences. Our eldest was early and spent 2 weeks in the NICU with breathing issues and jaundice. Ironically, they both started their lives in an oxygen bubble.

Jealous is maybe the even better word I’m looking for. I’m jealous of “normal” but not really because I am who I am, and my kids are who they are because of their unique stories. I wouldn’t change my “normal” for anything, I just have these crazy moments where I imagine what our lives would have been like if things had been different. I will never have “normal” but, isn’t  “normal” so over rated?

Raindrops On Roses

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Recently, some of my friends and I were talking about happiness and what makes us happy. It was fun to see how many different things make us smiles and how different some of them were. Dinner with friends, small surprises, flowers, quiet nights at home, family, these were all things we had talked about. When talking about the things that made us happy I saw the light dance in their eyes as we chatted about those things, even just speaking about them made us happier. So why is it so hard for people to be happy. Happiness is what you make it.

When I’m feeling sad, I tend to gravitate towards music. Depending on where the sad is coming from will influence the music I listen to. If I’m thinking about my Grandma and I need a good cry to be happy I will listen to music that makes me think of her. The lullaby she would sing to me as a child can bring me to tears and then make my heart sore with the memories that came with those tears. If I’m mad I put on some angry girl music, as my mother would call it. Hole, Celebrity Skin is my go to angry CD. Yes, I said CD. I have tons of CDs still in this digital age. I listen to music when I write, I’m listening to Piano Guys Radio on Pandora right now. It inspires me, drive me, moves me, enlightens me, and makes me happy!

Coloring makes me happy too! It calms and centers me. I get to create without having to draw the picture but i make it mine with adding colors to it. My family makes me crazy and happy, all at the same time sometimes. They drive me to the brink of insanity and then make me laugh so hard I feel like my sides are going to split. Laughter, of course this makes me happy. The sound of it, the act of it, the cause of it. They all make me happy. Laughter cause by a girls night, with coloring books, and a glass of wine is the best medicine for the soul of this girl.

Anyone want to color? *Holds up a bottle of wine and colored pencils*

 

 

 

 

Hello Old Friend

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So, It’s been a while. I’ve been told that I need to start writing again by a few people. So, here I am, writing. Not sure what I’m going to write about though. My last post was from the hospital room my son was sleeping in after his second open heart surgery. We are almost 6 months post op and he is doing amazing health wise, we are having some behavioral issues but those will work out soon I hope.  He has recently decided that lying is a good thing and disrespecting adults is okay. We are pretty sure it’s an attention thing, he was the center of our attention from Feb to Oct. Now that he is healthy again he feels like the attention has gone away and has starting acting out to get attention, even it if is bad attention. His teachers and I have chatted about this and they have started a positive reinforcement chart at school and I think we are going to start one here too. Hopefully this will help him see that he is still getting attention.

I think I’m going to go find a Writing Challenge to exercise my skills. Let the words flow…

To Love A Superhero…

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To love a superhero you must be brave,
You must be willing to put his heart in the hands of others.
But know, his heart will always be yours.
There are long hallways in big buildings
That become as familiar as the back of you hand
As you pace and wait to hear from the OR.
Nights where sleep is not an option and
Nights where you are so tired sleep is the only option.
You ask the questions and fear the answers,
Watch the struggles and celebrate the little steps.
To love a superhero is like nothing else in the world
They are all little warriors fighting for their lives
You pray every second they start fading away
They find the strength to come back to you.
Angles work feverishly to will their spirits back to their bodies
You barter, you bargain, you offer up your own life
As long as theirs is spared.
To love a superhero you have to know
Every moment should be treasured.
Every day is a gift.

Thank You to the Angles at RMHC who kept my Superhero here with me Wednesday night (7/15/07) when my world almost fell apart. Even Superman needs a boost sometimes, you guys are amazing!!!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 5 A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words

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*Today’s Challenge, pick a random word and put it into Google search, pick the 7th picture and write a story about it. I present, my story…

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The Old Tree

I have been here for hundreds of years. I have watched as time passed and the land around me changed. It’s better I start at the beginning.

A bird plucked me from my mothers branches and carried me a great distance away before dropping me in the soft soil that became my home. There was nothing here but forest and animals then. Humans hadn’t made it out this far yet. It was quiet, the air was fresh and the stars were so bright it lit the woods around me. I started to grow, a little at a time. When I was a young sapling  a native girl came and tied a feather to one of my branches. She visited often, sang songs to me and danced about my branches. As she grew older I grew taller, stronger. A man followed her one day and pledged his love to her, this was not the way of their people she said, she was promised to another. He asked her to meet him that night and they would run away and join with another tribe of people. That night she buried something at my feet and told me to keep it safe. I wrapped my roots around the little bundle and held tight. I never saw her again.

For years it was peaceful, I grew, reaching for the sun. Travelers came with their wagons and horses. They would stop in my shade and camp, sometimes taking my branches to make their fires for cooking and warmth. Children would scamper up my trunk and swing from my branches, laughter peeling from the mouths. One of these groups of travelers stayed longer than most. They cut smaller trees down and made a little cabin beside me. They brought animals and planted a garden. I provided shade on the warm days. Years were good, they had children, I loved the children. Laughter was my favorite sound. Fire broke out at the little cabin, heating the air and filling it with the smell of burning. Try as they might the cabin was consumed by the fire as was their youngest son. They placed his body in the grave they dug at my feet, carved his name, Jackson, into my trunk, packed what they could save and left with heavy hearts. I heard the mother whisper to me to take care of her baby. I reached a root to the rough wood coffin they had built for him and promised to never leave him.

More and more people came. Some not always leaving. I promised their loved ones I would stand guard always and I wept leaves and they wept their tears. Some would mark where they had placed the people they had lost others would quickly bury them and leave for another place. I would reach to every soul so they knew they were not alone.  Wrapping my roots around them in an eternal embrace.  A fence was place around what was now called a graveyard and I stand tall and proud at the gate. Guardian of the lost. Laughter, which had been my favorite sound was a rarity. Small hands grabbing at my branches to climb my height didn’t  happen any more. I am the one who remembers them all and I will never forget. Their names are etched into the rings of my existence and will forever be apart of me.

I am the old tree the stands guard.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 4 Seven Days

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*The challenge for today it to imagine you have been locked in a room for 7 days and write about your experience using 100 words max for each day. I have chosen to be accidentally locked in a storm shelter that is stocked but has no electricity. I have my phone, food, blankets, and of course a bathroom area. Here we go.

Day 1:

9:30am – Great! I came down here to grab some batteries and the wind slammed the door shut and now it’s stuck. No signal on my phone either. 75% battery life, better save that. at least there’s food, the boys should miss me soon and come looking. I’ll just sit here and wait.
Noon – um… Hello?
3:00pm – Seriously? Why haven’t they come yet? They will start searching around dinner time I know it. I have 5 lives on Candy Crush, that should pass the time.
11:00pm – REALLY?!?! Well I guess I’ll get some sleep.

Day 2:

I have pounded on the doors periodically through the day with no answer. Thankfully there is food down here with me. Made a meal of canned fruit and cold Spaghetti-O’s… Mmmmmmm… NOT! Where could these silly boys be that they aren’t missing me and looking for me? My phone battery is down to 33%, no more Candy Crush for me. It got really cold down here last night, but I found a few more blankets so maybe, if the boys haven’t found me, I wont be as cold.
11pm again… and I’m still here.

Day 3:

I’M BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!! Phone is dead, I’ve gone through one set of batteries on the flashlight already. There were strange scrapping sounds last night, I don’t think I’m the only living thing down here. The extra blankets made it warmer so at least I wasn’t shivering all night. Today’s meal was a well-balanced MRE… beef stew. I think I may be a little delirious because the instructions of “Lean it against a rock or something” made me laugh real hard and then brought giggles for a few more hours. Still no sign of anyone, I’m going to bed.

Day 4:

Mental Note… get more fun things to do while stuck down here! Found 2 decks of cards pack away in a bag so I’ve been playing game after game of solitaire, I even challenged myself to a pairs game. I won. Thought I heard someone outside the door today and yelled till I had no more voice. Dinner today was a beautiful, gourmet feast of Spam, Spray cheese, and stale crackers. I have no idea what time it is any longer as no light come in from outside. Keeping track by meals eaten and sleep.

Day 5:

I’m now beginning to worry that something has happened to the boys. Why haven’t they been looking for me? Do they think I just picked up and left them all? I found a bucket of sidewalk chalk today on one of the shelves, I’m now able to keep tally marks on home many days I’ve been here. Also decided to draw a mural of outside to keep my mind occupied. I have a ragging headache and decided to down a few bottles of water, that may have been a bad idea depending on how long I’m here. Dinner, pineapple and cold canned baked beans.

Day 6:

They’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa.
They’re coming to take me away, ho ho, he he, ha ha,
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time
And I’ll be happy to see those nice young
Men in their clean white coats and
They’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa!
I’m going to lose it if I have to stay here much longer. the walls are starting to close in on me and it feels like it’s getting hard to breathe. HELP! Dinner was cold tomato soup.

Day 7:

Today is the day I shall die of boredom. Another mental note… FIX THE DOOR! Oh and get more batteries. I put the last of them in the flashlight yesterday at some point and the light is slowly fading. I’ve been turning it off and napping today so I don’t kill them too fast. Does no one miss me? Have I been forgotten? When they finally find me will I just be bones and dust? My hands are bruised from pounding on the door so much. I have pushed, I have pulled, I have kicked, I have thrown my entire body at that damn door… Wait! What was that? I hear voices… HELP! HELP I’M IN HERE!!!

The door bursts open and there are the faces of my family staring back at me…

tally marks